The idea of writing a blog filled me with excitement and anticipation many years ago, when blogs first appeared. I had been writing in a journal for years and years already. Spirals fill shelves and plastic storage boxes. The one thing that I knew was that I would likely want to keep the blog a private affair between myself and the blog audience which to me would be mostly strangers. There was a safety involved in knowing I could be truly free to express myself, include honest impressions and reflections of the world around me. The chance to share my hopes and fears, without concern over dismissal, disapproval or judgment. As time went on, I considered lifting the privacy mode of my posts and actually inviting family, friends and good acquaintances, to read it. That is I would open it up by invitation and whether they read it or not was up to them, but the door was now being left ajar. People I know personally can peak in and see parts of me.
Throughout my life, I have felt hidden. Mostly. There is my exterior personae that suggests that I am just fine. No matter what happens in my world, I smile. I don’t let on that things are not perfect. I attempt to promote a positive attitude, pull myself up by my bootstraps and press on. Smile and the world smiles with you, is the expression one hears from time to time. No one wants a Debbie Downer around. At least those were the messages I heard in youth and they carried over to adulthood. There was something noble about hiding pain and shame. Perhaps it is my Norwegian side, the stoic part of me.
So, for many years, I have talked to myself through my writing, mostly about the stuff that would be considered less than positive. I wrote in those spiral journals. I wrote through my youth, the many relationship disappointments both familial and friendship based. I wrote about my pain in losing my brother in a car accident and the suffering of surviving him while watching my parents in despair, knowing in my gut that it was my fault. He wouldn’t have gotten into that car if it hadn’t been for me. I wrote through my two bad marriages and divorces. I wrote through my spiritual journeys- ups and downs. I wrote through the rape. I wrote through my loneliness. And, I didn’t share it. And in many ways, this process was the one thing that helped me carry on. Being able to write it out, talk it through to myself, that was the balm I needed to keep going. There have been times that I have thought about burning my journals for fear of anyone finding them in my death. Earlier in life, I had tried counseling both in childhood and twice in adulthood, and those sessions were less than fruitful. I do better writing than I do talking. I tend to keep quiet about my past, my experiences, my emotions and my life in general. To others, I might seem surface. But the truth is, most people have not earned my trust.
So the door has been opened now. There are three souls that I know personally that are now reading my blog. And, I am hoping that I don’t change my method of writing knowing that they are in the background and might happen upon my entries, if they feel inclined on any given day to check in. I want to write not for approval nor for appreciation, necessarily. Although, the likes on WordPress are fun to see, and it is nice to view the countries from which views are coming. Kind of a cool aspect to the blog world. Seeing that someone looked at my post from places like Brazil and Australia, it brings the world in closer. Yesterday, there were 28 views from around the country and world. Not that big for some people who have hundreds if not thousands of views. But for me, it’s interesting and encouraging to know that there are souls out there reading my stuff. The World is really not such a big place. We humans all have these needs- each one of us. To be seen. To be noticed. To be heard. To make a difference. To participate in the web of life. And while I have been shy in my willingness to open up to the world that knows me, perhaps now is the time to take that step. And, in fact, I have. The temptation is to shut my site down. To close it up and start another anonymous blog. But doing that would be regression. And, I am ready this year to reveal myself- whatever the consequences. I am slowly taking off the cloak I have been wearing called: Anonymous.