Lucky 14

If the number seven is considered lucky, then does it follow that fourteen is doubly lucky?

It’s interesting to me that I reach for the positive outcome rather than the curse.

It had been fourteen years since I last interacted with him. The anticipation in my system felt calmer than I had expected. I stood on the sidewalk waiting, having already provided the hostess with my name. Not surprisingly, I was early and waiting for him. I felt myself fidget a bit, moving my weight from one leg to the other. But mostly, I was fairly even keeled. What would it be like? What would he be wearing? Would it be awkward?

As the time shifted to thirty five after the hour, he appeared at the bottom of the street, walking purposefully towards me. For him, this is early. The same swagger but with a different container. His hair now a bright auburn red and mid length. His receding hairline had been fixed and he sported wispy bangs that fell in a short wave across the pane of his forehead. The large bangle earrings and heavy crystal necklace was not a surprise, he always liked bolder accessories. The black tank top tightly hugged his womanly figure and was paired with black Bermuda shorts with a shiny black belt. Black flip flops and black lacquered toenails completed the ensemble.

On his final approach, he beamed widely at me as if he had been reunited with a long lost friend. And, perhaps he had. I smiled back. He reached for me to offer a full warm embrace, and I found myself navigating the situation quickly, as I attempted to figure out where my boobs would match up with his. An odd moment. My ex-husband now a woman; he had been for over ten years now. It was only my first introduction to the full regalia. And, as I looked upon her now, I saw peace. His eyes had lost that dark and wild look that had been there for a few years before I had parted ways with him and in its place she wore a smiling sparkle in those hazel orbs.

And, the pronouns. Yes. I have trouble with those pronouns.

In this world of acceptance and political correctness, I am meant to adopt the pronoun that befits him/her and what makes her/him comfortable.

There is no room in this world for my comfort.

There never has been.

So, why the negative when I started out so positive?

I don’t consider it negative.

I consider it reality; my truth.

The man I married. The one that I fell in love with. The one that I hungered for- that I sought for refuge, the one that I clung to some nights in the beginning. That man disappeared for me within a few short years of our nuptials. In its place, there appeared a person who was angry most days. Distant the rest.

I was made to feel inconsequential. Unsubstantial. Undesirable.

And so, I left.

And during this breakfast, he thanks me for releasing him all those years ago. He says I was so good to him and he apologizes for not being nice to me. For being difficult. He says he recognizes what he put me through. He is making amends. Fourteen years later.

So how does luck play a part in all of this.

Well, luck enters in because now, for the first time in years, I truly feel closure. I feel a new horizon has appeared before me and the possibilities are good. I feel stable and hopeful and at peace. So, beyond that seven year itch- fourteen years on we have a renewal, a new energy and an appreciation for independence and self-reliance. And, there was the conclusion of that visit with my ex-spouse … it was being able to say farewell, all the best and so long. And then, walking towards my car and getting into my car and going on my merry way.

The closing of this particular chapter, nay- novel, reads that I am fortunate and free to be me, while he is free to be her. And there no longer resides regret or anger. In its place are found peace and rest in knowing it is as it should be.

And, that feels extraordinarily good.